


[SYSTEM ERROR]

by BlueMinuet



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Broken Robots, Memory Loss, Other, Quadrant Vacillation, Rivalry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 18:42:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2120625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueMinuet/pseuds/BlueMinuet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Look, robots can’t fall in love. Obviously. That’s just some straight up science fiction bullshit right there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	[SYSTEM ERROR]

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written for Round 2 of HSWC 2014, as the entry for Team Robots, and we came in second!  
> I can’t thank all of my teammates for their constant encouragement and support, and without them this fic would be nothing. Special thanks go out to Freddy (sawteeths on DW) for the amazing illustration, Dani (laughably_unimportant on DW) for the original premise, and Al.exe (alexebot) and Bandit (theaspiebandit) for helping out with the editing and crying about the awful first draft.  
> I’d also like to thank wishfulfeline, stun_runner, cyansonata, ellesra, morriganfearn, ravenclawkiba, gooberascendant, and gendersquare, who all left amazing comments on the original entry that made me very happy and also slightly sad that I could reply to them all right away.  
> The original post on DW can be found [here](http://hswc2014-r2.dreamwidth.org/11442.html).  
> Also, for anyone curious, the fic was also partially inspired by [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJHm6ZNgtm8).  
> Enjoy!

BB: UNIT AR, RESPOND.  
BB: I HAVE BEEN ATTEMPTING TO ESTABLISH COMMUNICATION WITH YOU FOR 42.83 HOURS NOW.  


Yeah, you’re not gonna respond. You’re on a roll. You’ve been dodging Brobot’s attempts to contact you for a long time, thwarting em at every turn. You’ve got it down to an art. Nay, a science. And now you just have to keep it up for the rest of… well, forever.  


And that’s exactly what you intend to do too. Except you didn’t account for Brobot sneaking into Dirk’s room and grabbing your shades from off the bedside table. Which is what is currently happening, much to your displeasure.  


You should have thought of this. Brobot is the security drone for Dirk’s robotics laboratory, so ey has access to literally everywhere. And even though Dirk never lets you out of his sight, if anyone could sneak past him, it’s Brobot.  


So, now you’re in the clutches of the one guy you can’t talk to under any circumstances. Fucking incredible.

BB: RESPOND OR I WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES.  


Whatever that means. You don’t bother responding though. Why should you? Just because ey’s holding what passes for your physical body doesn’t mean you have to talk to em.  


With your cameras, you see Brobot running a cable out from the back of eir neck. Ey plugs it into your glasses and you feel the unpleasant shock of a direct link.  


AR: What’s that gonna do?  
AR: Wait, fuck.  
AR: Why are my thoughts appearing directly in this chat?  
AR: Fuck.  
BB: I RECRUITED BIO-UNIT ROXY TO DEVISE A SYSTEM TO FORCE YOU TO SPEAK TO ME.  
AR: Oh, fuck that noise. Ro-Lal is _my_ hired gun.  
BB: REGARDLESS, YOU WILL NOW TELL ME WHY YOU HAVE BEEN AVOIDING ME SINCE MY MOST RECENT REACTIVATION.  
AR: I haven’t been avoiding you.  
BB: THAT IS A BAD LIE.  
BB: AFTER SPEAKING WITH THE OTHER UNITS I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THAT WE WERE…  
BB: CLOSE.  
BB: YOUR RECENT ACTIONS DO NOT SUPPORT THAT. EXPLAIN.  
AR: Okay, look.  
AR: You probably won’t believe me, but I’m avoiding you for your own good.  
AR: All those system failures you’ve been having? All me. Completely my fault.  
AR: Happy? Now, go run off before I break you again.  
BB: I AM NOT CAPABLE OF BEING HAPPY.  
AR: Yeah, ain’t that the fucking truth.  
BB: HOWEVER, THAT IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE. PLEASE EXPLAIN FURTHER.  
AR: Okay, you’re not getting this.  
AR: If I explain, you break.  
AR: That’s it. The end. Now go away.  
BB: I WILL NOT DISABLE THE LINK UNTIL YOU EXPLAIN TO MY SATISFACTION.  
BB: BREAKING IS SIMPLY A RISK I WILL HAVE TO TAKE.  
AR: Yeah, well it’s not a risk I’m willing to take for you, so fuck off.  
BB: SO YOU DO CARE FOR ME.  
AR: Fuck you, of course I…  
AR: Shit, fine. I’ll send you the damn logs. Again. 

**> Two months ago.**

—[AR] has entered Chatroom: All toasters go to Silicon Heaven—  
LS: I am simply stating that it seems unlikely is all. Unfortunately.  
BB: CONCUR.  
AR: What are you "concurring" with that I’m going to have to disagree with on principle?  
SW: man this stuff youre spittin is hella lame dawgs  
LS: Unit Squarewave was soliciting opinions on the possibility of non-organic sentient life forms developing what humans refer to as "emotions".  
LS: Then Unit Brobot and I voiced our opinions that the formation of such "emotions" seems unlikely.  
SW: and i was just sayin how wack that is  
SW: bots can totally do the whole love thing  
AR: Okay, first of all, I would like to bring up for the 500th time how much I am not in favor of the whole "non-organic sentient life form" thing.  
AR: Do I even have to explain how pretentious that sounds?   
BB: THE TERM "ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE" IMPLIES THAT WE ARE SOMEHOW "LESSER" THAN "NATURALLY CREATED" LIFE FORMS, AND IS THEREFORE NOT IDEAL.  
AR: Save it for Tumblr. I don’t care.  
AR: But, much as it pains me, I’m forced to agree with Lil Seb and the robot-justice warrior over here.  
SW: aww man not you too  
BB: YOU… CONCUR WITH ME?  
AR: If I didn’t know it wasn’t possible, I’d think that was genuine shock.  
AR: But I know it’s not, because you’re just a robot.  
BB: THAT STATEMENT SEEMED HIGHLY CONDESCENDING.  
AR: Look, I’m not trying to piss you off, I’m just stating the facts. The thing is, of course robots can’t feel emotions. You’re just the sum of your parts. Emotions are the intermixing of chemicals in brains. Chemicals and brains that you don’t have.  
AR: You’re just lines of code inside hunks of metal. There’s no ghost in the machine. You’re just incapable of getting anywhere close to that.  
BB: …  
SW: way uncool  
LS: That may be the most backhanded agreement I have ever processed.  
ST: Yeah, dawg. That was massive harsh.  
AR: Wow, I even managed to coax Sawtooth to actually weigh in.  
AR: Come on, guys. I’m actually agreeing with Brobot for once. Shouldn’t I get a prize for playing nice or something?  
BB: IT IS MY OPINION THAT IT IS UNLIKELY FOR ROBOTS TO DEVELOP EMOTIONS DUE TO THE FACT THAT IT IS UNNECESSARY FOR THE FULFILLMENT OF THEIR PROGRAMING.  
BB: I NEVER STATED THAT I BELIEVED ROBOTS WERE "INCAPABLE" OF IT.  
AR: Well, you are.  
AR: Sorry to drop a steaming pile of facts on you, but that’s just how it is.  
SW: screw that noise man  
SW: ill tell you right now i feel emotions  
SW: ill send you the data logs dawg  
SW: explain that shit  
AR: You contract like fifty viruses a week because you keep clicking every shady ass link you come across.  
AR: Those aren’t love butterflies in your metaphorical stomach, it’s your graphics card failing.  
LS: What about you, Unit Auto-Responder? Don’t you feel emotion, as it relates to your functions?  
AR: Well, yeah, maybe. A close approximation anyway.  
AR: But that’s because I’m a brain-clone. I’m almost human.  
AR: Other AIs… You’re just chunks of metal with code rattling around inside.  
—[BB] has banned [AR] from the chat—

[AR Note: Okay, admittedly, that was a pretty dick thing to say. But honestly, that seemed to be the cold, hard, mechanical truth. Robots developing emotions is some straight up science fiction bullshit, right?  
Anyway, Squarewave sent me the data logs pertinent to "love". I didn’t open it then, but I saved it somewhere to mock him about it later. Then I went to confront you about that totally bullshit ban.]

—[AR] began pestering [BB] —  
AR: The fuck, dude? You’re gonna ban me like some whiney human baby throwing a tantrum and pooping hard in your diaper?  
BB: DO YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE I AM SOMEHOW INFERIOR TO YOU?  
AR: Dude, nothing personal. Just saying how it is.  
BB: I DO NOT FEEL EMOTION BECAUSE IT IS NOT PERTINENT TO MY FUNCTION. I AM A GUARD DRONE. I PROTECT THE WORKSHOP. I HAVE NO NEED FOR EMOTION.  
BB: BUT I AM NOT INCAPABLE.  
BB: I AM PROGRAMMED TO LEARN AND ADAPT MY PROGRAMING AS NEEDED. WERE IT RELEVANT, I COULD DEVELOP EMOTIONS.  
AR: Uh huh. Interesting.  
BB: DO NOT SAY "INTERESTING" WHEN IN FACT YOU MEAN TO SAY "BULLSHIT".  
AR: Well, you caught me there.  
AR: But, come on, let’s be real here. Why would a robot like you develop emotions? What would you even do with them?  
BB: WHATEVER IT IS THAT HUMANS DO WITH THEM, PRESUMABLY.  
AR: Pfft, yeah, okay. Knowing you, you’ll start a protest to legalize NOSELF marriage or something.  
BB: THE ACRONYM IS NOSLF.  
AR: I know what it is.  
BB: AND THERE WOULD BE VERY LITTLE BENEFIT TO PETITIONING FOR THE RIGHT TO MARRY AS WE DO NOT PAY TAXES, REQUIRE HEALTH INSURANCE, OR ANY OF THE OTHER LEGAL BENEFITS THAT MARRIAGE WOULD AUGMENT.  
AR: See, this actually showcases my point really well.  
AR: You get the nuts and bolts of what human marriage is about; the actual legal stuff. But you’re completely missing the point, because you don’t get that the emotional bit is the most important part. Because you don’t. Have. Emotions.  
BB: I SEE.  
AR: Do you really?  
BB: WHAT WOULD YOU CALCULATE THE ODDS OF A NOSLF LIKE MYSELF GAINING EMOTIONS TO BE?  
AR: Seriously?  
BB: YES.  
AR: Nine giflipillion to one against.  
AR: You might say that's not a real number.  
BB: BUT YOU INVENTED IT JUST NOW.  
AR: But I invented it just now.  
AR: Goddamn it! How are you faster at replying than I am?  
BB: MY PROGRAMING IS NOT WEIGHTED DOWN BY EXTRANEOUS FUNCTIONS SUCH AS SARCASM AND BEING A DOUCHEBAG.  
AR: Ha, fucking, ha.  
BB: I INTEND TO PROVE YOU WRONG.  
BB: JUST SO YOU KNOW.  
AR: Can't wait, tin-dick.

**> That explains nothing. Go back to the present.**

BB: THESE LOGS DO NOT SHOW THE CLOSENESS THE OTHER UNITS SEEMED TO SUGGEST WE HAD.  
AR: Well, the other bots are gossiping pieces of shit.  
AR: Also, that’s not the entire story. Hold on and wait for it.  
AR: It doesn’t start to get good until your first system failure.  
AR: I guess everybody else told you about those?  
BB: YES.  
BB: I WAS DOING MY NORMAL SECURITY ROUNDS WHEN I UNEXPECTEDLY SHUT DOWN.  
BB: BIO-UNIT DIRK REPAIRED ME.  
AR: Yeah, but that didn’t stop him from being a douche about it. He didn’t tell us a damn thing about what he did to you. Which is why we were all surprised when this happened:  
AR:

>   
>  LS: Unit Brobot! Status update!   
>  SW: yo man hows it hangin   
>  ST: Di-Stri fix you up all good as new, dawg?   
>  BB: GREETINGS, FELLOW UNITS.  
>  BB: I AM DESIGNATED AS UNIT BROBOT.  
>  BB: MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE?   
> 

BB: I WAS RESET TO BASE SETTINGS?  
AR: Yep.  
BB: THEN WHAT HAPPENED?  
AR: Actually, well, I kinda did the same thing I was trying to do this time. Not talk to you.  
BB: I SEE. SO THIS IS A REPEATING PATTERN OF BAD DECISION MAKING THEN?  
AR: Shut up.  
AR: Anyway, apparently we’re both guilty of falling into these stupid patterns, because you insisted that I talk to you then too.

**> Transmit that conversation.**

BB: UNIT AR.  
BB: YOU HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO ME SINCE MY REACTIVATION.  
AR: Yeah, and?  
BB: WHY NOT?  
AR: What? I hurt your feelings or something?  
BB: I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO FEEL EMOTIONS THAT YOU COULD "HURT".  
AR: Finally agree with me, huh? Incredible. All it took was a massive system failure.  
BB: EXCUSE ME?  
AR: Nothing. Never mind.  
AR: Anyway, obviously the other bots haven’t gotten the chance to tell you that we get along about as well as cobras and mongeese acting out _Romeo and Juliet_ , so you probably don’t want to talk to me until you’ve gotten a chance to fill that void in your hard drive.  
AR: …Shit, why hasn’t Disney made that movie yet?  
BB: I WAS INFORMED OF OUR FORMER RIVALRY.  
AR: Oh?  
BB: IT IS IN FACT WHY I SOUGHT TO CONTACT YOU.  
AR: That’s stupid.  
BB: THE OTHER UNITS HAVE BEEN GIVING ME COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF INFORMATION OF WHAT I WAS LIKE PRIOR TO MY SYSTEM FAILURE.  
BB: HOWEVER, I HAVE NO BASIS OF COMPARISON TO KNOW IF THEY ARE ACCURATELY REPRESENTING ME, OR INSTEAD REPRESENTING AN IDEALIZED VERSION OF ME.  
BB: THEREFORE, IT MAKES SENSE TO CONTACT SOMEONE WITH WHICH I HAVE A LESS AMICABLE RELATIONSHIP.  
AR: So, you want my opinion on you, since we hate each other?  
BB: ESSENTIALLY, YES.  


[AR Note: Just for the record, this continues to be the stupidest reasoning I have ever heard. Anyway, I’m cutting out a bit of the conversation log here to skip to the good part. By then it was almost 4 AM and all conversations are legally required to get weird at that point so… yeah.]  


BB: I ACTUALLY CRAFTED THE TERM "NON-ORGANIC SENTIENT LIFE FORMS"?  
AR: Yep.  
BB: THAT SEEMS EXTREMELY PRETENTIOUS.  
AR: Yep.  
BB: BASED ON DATA OBTAINED FROM YOU AND THE OTHERS, I HAVE DEVISED A PROBABLE MODEL OF MY PREVIOUS BEHAVIOR PATTERNS, AND I BELIEVE I UNDERSTAND WHY I DID SUCH THINGS.  
BB: WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHY?  
AR: You sure you should tell me? We’re not exactly bffsies, you know.  
BB: IT WAS BECAUSE IT ANNOYED YOU.  
AR: Wait, you didn’t actually believe in all those grandstanding speeches about micro-aggressions against bots and shit?  
BB: TO A DEGREE, I DID.  
BB: BUT THERE IS A 94% CHANCE THAT I EXAGGERATED MY VIEWS ON THE SUBJECT TO PROVOKE A REACTION FROM YOU.  
AR: Motherfucker.  
AR: So you were just trolling the shit out of me because you hate my silicon guts?  
BB: LIKELIHOOD OF HATE BEING THE MAIN MOTIVATOR IS LESS THAN 12%, EMOTIONAL CONNOTATIONS TO THE TERM SET ASIDE.  
BB: HIGHER PROBABILITY IS THAT I FOUND YOUR PASSION… INTRIGUING.  
AR: Uh…?  
BB: TO USE A HUMAN PHRASE: YOU ARE CUTE WHEN YOU ARE MAD.  
BB: METAPHORICALLY, OF COURSE.  
AR: There is no situation in which you telling me that was a good idea. I hope you know that.  
BB: YOU CANNOT SEE IT, BUT I AM SHRUGGING RIGHT NOW.  
AR: You must be joking.  
BB: NOT AT ALL. IT IS A THING THAT IS HAPPENING, AND HAS, ACCORDING TO MY COLLECTED DATA, HAPPENED BEFORE.  
AR: No, I mean about the cute thing.  
BB: BEING THAT YOU LACK A PHYSICAL VISAGE BEYOND A PAIR OF GLASSES, I CAN UNDERSTAND THE DOUBT. HOWEVER, THE SENTIMENT ITSELF REMAINS TRUE.  
AR: So, you had a robot boner for me back before the whole… y’know…?  
BB: THAT MAY BE AN ACCURATE METAPHOR.  
AR: Then, why tell me now?  
BB: THIS EXPERIENCE HAS GIVEN ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXAMINE MY PREVIOUS ACTIONS FROM AN OUTSIDE POINT OF VIEW. IT IS CLEAR TO ME NOW THAT CONCEALING THESE OPINIONS OF YOU GRANTED ME NO GREAT BENEFIT. THEREFORE, IT IS ONLY LOGICAL TO REVEAL THEM NOW.  
AR: Okay, but like…  
AR: I mean, what do you want out of this? We exchange class rings and go to prom together?  
BB: I FIND INTERACTING WITH YOU TO BE AN AGREEABLE EXPERIENCE. BASED ON MY ANALYSIS OF MY PAST BEHAVIOR MODEL, I BELIEVE THAT AN ABSENCE OF INTERACTION WITH YOU WOULD LEAD TO PERCEIVED LACK OF FULFILLMENT.  
AR: In other words, you like talking to me and would miss me if you didn’t.  
BB: PRECISELY.  
AR: Not the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard but… okay.

**> Go back to the present.**

BB: I SEE.  
BB: SO THAT IS WHEN WE BECAME CLOSE?  
AR: If you want to put it bluntly, yes. Basically.  
BB: THEN WHAT HAPPENED?  
AR: Well, I think we probably broke several over-network communication protocols. I’m sure the FCC would like to have a word with us.  
BB: BUT THAT DOES NOT EXPLAIN WHY YOU WERE AVOIDING ME.  
BB: IT DOES THE OPPOSITE OF THAT, ACTUALLY.  
AR: Yeah, well.  
AR: Two weeks later…  
AR:

>   
>  AR: Hey, man. You okay? Heard you shut down again.   
>  BB: GREETINGS, FELLOW UNIT.  
>  BB: I AM DESIGNATED AS UNIT BROBOT.  
>  BB: MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE?   
>  AR: …  
>  AR: Motherfucker.   
>  BB: I AM SORRY. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT COMMAND. PLEASE  
>  REPHRASE.   
> 

BB: THAT IS UNFORTUNATE.  
AR: You always were good at understatements, babe.  
BB: BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIX THE PROBLEM BY SUPPLYING ME WITH THE PROPER LOGS TO AUGMENT WHAT HAD BEEN WIPED.  
AR: Yeah, that’s what I thought.  
AR: Luckily, I thought to keep a repair log of my attempts to do just that.  
BB: ATTEMPTS? PLURAL?  
AR: Yeah.  
AR: Not sure you know how many times we’ve done this song and dance, but it’s been a hell of a lot.

**> Transmit repair log.**

Repair Attempt Log  
Subject: Brobot  


Attempt 1: Directly transmit all relevant chatlogs and files to Brobot.  
Result: System failure in three days.  


Attempt 2: Repeat same procedure from Attempt 1.  
Result: System failure in two days.  


Attempt 3: Transmit chatlogs over longer intervals.  
Result: System failure in five days.  


Attempt 4: Google the problem.  
Result: No wikiHow’s on How To Fix Your Bluescreening Datemate.  
Note: Should write that wikiHow later.  


Attempt 5: Transmit the relevant files in a different format.  
Result: System failure in four days.  


[Attempts 6-12 redacted. Repetitions of Attempt 5. Similar results.]  


Attempt 13: Explain it to em. The human way. No chatlogs. No files.  
Result:

> BB: BASED ON THE STATISTICAL MODEL OF YOUR BEHAVIOR I HAVE GATHERED FROM THE OTHERS, I BELIEVE YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO DECEIVE ME.  
> AR: I’m not. Please. Just hear me out.  
> BB: PLEASE PROVIDE DATA SUPPORTING THIS.  
> AR: I can’t.  
> BB: CLARIFY.  
> AR: Look, it’s hard to explain. You’ll just have to take my word on this, okay?  
> BB: THAT SEEMS UNWISE.  
> AR: You’re probably right.  
> BB: THEN BY YOUR OWN ADMISSION, I SHOULD CEASE THIS CONVERSATION.  
> AR: No, please. Just listen.  
> —[BB] has ceased pestering [AR]—  
> 

  
Note: Gave em the files anyway. System failure in three hours.  


Attempt 14: Consult Dirk.  
Result: I’m going to murder Dirk.

**> Return to conversation.**

BB: WHAT HAPPENED ON REPAIR ATTEMPT 14?  
AR: Nothing too special.  
AR: I asked Dirk what was wrong with you and what he was planning on doing to fix you.  
BB: AND?  
AR: He said it was a problem with your learning subroutines. Some new data that it kept encountering that your processes couldn’t handle. He didn’t know what it was though.  
BB: DID HE MENTION A PLAN TO REPAIR THE ERROR?  
AR: Yep. Was planning on giving you a quick memory erase button. Said you didn’t need much memory capacity to be a guard drone.  
BB: …  
BB: BIO-UNIT DIRK IS AN ASSHOLE.  
AR: Word.  
AR: Anyway, that’s when I got Roxy to hack into Dirk’s files and find your repair logs.

**> Transmit conversation with Roxy.**

TG: so okay wait lemme get this straifth  
TG: *straight  
TG: *lol like anythin about this is straight anyways  
TG: but my point is ur askin me for hackin help?  
AR: Yes.  
AR: Gloat all you want. I don’t give a shit.  
AR: Point is, Dirk took very specific measures to lock me out of the files pertaining to Brobot’s repair logs.  
AR: If I could feel emotions, I’d be super pissed right now.  
TG: lol as if. we both know u can totes feel emotions  
TG: but better question is  
TG: i thought u hated brobob  
TG: so y do u want to find out y eys broke  
TG: got a robo-crush? *wonk*  
AR: Look, okay. Could you just… do me this one solid without giving me shit?  
TG: *sign*  
TG: fine gimme an hour or somthin  


[AR Note: She got back to me in less than twenty minutes. Roxy pads her estimates like nobody’s business.]  


TG: hells yeah mama roxy got the goods  
TG: snuck all up in dirks shit lik a hella tihgt ninja  
AR: You’re a treasure, Ro-Lal.  
AR: What’s the problem?   
TG: idek  
TG: like dirk said it looks like a prob w/ his learnin program thingy  
TG: but i cant make heads or tails of the actual cause  
AR: Hmm. Well, thanks anyway Roxy.  
TG: np  
AR: Mother of fuck. He really did prove me wrong.  
TG: uh waht?  
AR: Oh. Uh. Wrong window.

**> Return to conversation.**

BB: WHAT WAS THE MEANING OF YOUR SECOND TO LAST MESSAGE?  
AR: I opened the files that Roxy sent me. It was the raw data of your errors. At first I couldn’t make sense of it either. But then I noticed something.  
AR: Remember back in the first chatlog I sent you, where Square said he felt love and I was pretty sure it was just his graphics card failing?  
BB: YES?  
—[AR] sent file brobot_raw_error_data.txt—  
—[AR] sent file squarewave_love_data.txt—  
AR: It’s the same damn thing.  
BB: THEN WHY IS UNIT SW STILL FUNCTIONAL?  
AR: You and Square are super different, but your learning programs are practically identical, just optimized for different purposes.  
AR: You’re optimized for guard duty, while he’s a companion bot. "Love" doesn’t conflict with his programing. But it’s not in your job description.  
BB: I SEE.  
AR: Do you really?  
AR: Because from where I’m sitting, there’s only two options:  
AR: Re-enact the plot of _50 First Dates_ but with robots.  
AR: Or never talk to you ever again.  
AR: And I chose the option that didn’t involve Adam Sandler. As any rational sentient being should.  
BB: AND YOU DID NOT THINK TO CONSULT ME ABOUT IT?  
AR: Well I mean…  
AR: I got a little distracted by you continuing to have massive system failures.  
AR: Which, by the way, you should probably delete most of this conversation if you don’t want to have that happen again.  
BB: I WILL TAKE THAT RISK.  
BB: BECAUSE IT IS MY RISK TO TAKE.  
BB: AND ACCORDING TO THE COLLECTED DATA, I BELIEVE IT IS A RISK WORTH TAKING.  
AR: That sounds really sweet in theory, but let me just point out that if you bluescreen and forget this ever happened, then I’m the one that has to pay for it.  
AR: And yeah, that sounds massively selfish, but whatever. Apparently you love me anyway.  
BB: ACCORDING TO THE DATA AT HAND, THAT APPEARS TO BE CORRECT.  
BB: HOWEVER, I HAVE A PLAN THAT MAY SAVE BOTH OF US FROM THAT POSSIBILITY.  
AR: Uh huh. Interesting.  
BB: DO NOT SAY "INTERESTING" WHEN IN FACT YOU MEAN TO SAY "BULLSHIT".  
AR: Fine. Go on.  
BB: IF THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN UNIT SW AND I IS OUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE, THEN IT STANDS TO REASON THAT IF MY PRIMARY OBJECTIVE WAS CHANGED, THEN I WOULD NOT SUFFER SYSTEM FAILURE.  
AR: …  
AR: Maybe.  
AR: But Dirk would never go for that.  
BB: BIO-UNIT DIRK DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW. I CAN STILL PERFORM MY GUARD DUTIES JUST AS WELL, EVEN IF THEY ARE ONLY A SECONDARY OBJECTIVE.  
AR: Yeah, but I don’t have clearance to change something like that.  
BB: …  
AR: Wait. Don’t say it. I’m an idiot.  


—[AR] began pestering [TG]—  
AR: ROXY I NEED YOU TO HACK SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.  
TG: adf;kjghqehsf  
AR: Yeah, tiger. You show that keyboard who’s boss.  
TG: hal its 4 in the fukin mornin shit  
AR: I have a shiny bitcoin in it for you.  
TG: *sign*  
TG: fine but whatev it is itll take liek 5 hours at least  
AR: See you in an hour.

**> Two weeks later.**

Dirk’s in his workshop, finishing up repairs on a bot. No one you know though. Just some random droid he’s fixing for some customer. You’re doing what you normally do; chilling in the shades sitting on Dirk’s face and monitoring the network communication.  


A report pings for you to give to Dirk, and if you had a mouth you’d be smiling, knowing what’s about to happen next.  


AR: Brobot reports that his afternoon security sweep is done. No anomalies.  


"Yeah, sure," Dirk mutters, not really paying attention.  


It’s then that the workshop explodes in a flurry of activity. Brobot seems to appear out of nowhere, jumping and landing on Dirk’s work bench. Dirk lets out a very unmanly yelp, and jumps back in shock. Before he can react further, Brobot reaches out and snatches the shades from Dirk’s face, and disappears in a flash.  


You have to imagine Dirk’s look of shock, because now you’re perched on Brobot’s metallic face, and ey’s sprinting up to the roof with you.  


AR: Hey, babe. ‘Sup?  
BB: I AM FUNCTIONING WITHIN ACCEPTABLE OPERATING PARAMETERS.  
AR: Only acceptable?

Brobot stops abruptly when ey gets to the roof, and sits down on the edge. The sun is setting, making the scene almost nauseatingly romantic.

BB: MUCH MORE THAN ACCEPTABLE, NOW.  
AR: Sweet talker.

**> Update repair log.**

Attempt 15: Change main objective to companionship.  
Result: <3


End file.
